Cliques

Is there any way to have close friends without someone else feeling left out? I don't think about it much in regards to myself. I'm much more likely to notice it in other people. However, if I'm going to discuss the subject I have to approach it from in introspective point of view first.

Despite my general anti-social introversion and my attempts at misanthropy, I had friends in high school. We were not high on the social ladder, but I never paid much mind to that sort of thing. I had no interest in social standing even before dabbling in misanthropy, so I had always set myself apart.

An army of misfits formed around me in high school. I'm not sure why or how, but it was a group, and I was a part of it. By proximity mostly, but also by association: some of those misfits were, in fact, my friends. The rest were acquaintances at best.

I wonder if anybody on the outside of that was looking in with jealousy, wanting to be a part of our group yet feeling left out or unwanted. It seems strange to me since, as I said, it was a misfit crew to begin with. Still, I kinda wonder.

I try my best not to be exclusionary, but it's difficult, mostly because I'm an awkward person who gets exhausted from social situations. I find people I'm comfortable with and I stick with them because it's easy and familiar for me, yet I never intentionally exclude anybody. If someone asks to join me for whatever I'm happy to welcome them. I actually do enjoy other people's company, the chance to get to know them better. I'm just bad at it.

Which makes me wonder about it whenever I perceive behavior I consider cliquish. When I see someone jealously guarding their friendships my first reaction is to feel jealous. I ask myself, "why am I not allowed to be a part of that?" No matter how many friends I have, no matter how comfortable I feel with my relationships, feeling excluded hurts.

I'm writing this fairly late, so I'm not sure I'm driving toward a point here.

The fact is, I've felt excluded from this, that, and the other for much of my life. Even now, I can feel that way sometimes. It's a crappy feeling, and I never want to make someone else feel that way.

Some people are abrasive, annoying, talkative, insecure, passive aggressive... yet I try not to hold any of that against them. By being inclusive I've often had the pleasure of finding the valuable parts of people, hidden behind their flaws.

It's a lot of work, though. I'm not always up to it.